


Marry Me No Homo

by FBGM



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Confession, Fake Wedding, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious, Tumblr Prompt, michael is good with photoshop i guess, rich is a little shit and i love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-05-29 15:27:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FBGM/pseuds/FBGM
Summary: Jeremy and Michael invite billionaires to their fake wedding in hopes of getting expensive gifts, but what happens when one of them RSVP's?





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey.” Jeremy was hanging upside down off of the couch in Michael’s basement. “I just read this thing that said if you invite like a bunch of billionaires to your wedding some of their secretaries will just send you gifts without wondering who you are.”

“Really?” Michael fervently slammed the buttons on his controller. “That’s sick.”

“I’m definitely doing that when I get married.”

“Well,” Michael frowned. “Would they even know if it was real?”

Jeremy pulled himself upright. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Michael paused his game and turned to face Jeremy. “There’s no way any of them would actually go, right? So what if we just planned a fake wedding right now and got cool expensive gifts from billionaires?”

“That’s so dumb.”

“We could put that new Nintendo console on our registry.” Michael sang.

Jeremy’s eyes went wide. “Let’s do it.”

Michael grinned.

They made the registry first. They added everything they had always wanted but couldn’t get because they were wildly overpriced. They knew there was about a 99.9% chance that this plan wouldn’t work. But they also figured there was no harm in taking a shot at that 0.1%.

“Ooooh. Put that one too.” Michael pointed to a flat screen TV. “I could use a new one down here.”

“Okay okay I think that’s enough.” Jeremy scrolled through the registry. It didn’t look like a wedding registry. It looked like two 19-year-olds’ were given a million dollars to spend. “We should probably throw some actual house stuff in here too.”

“Good idea.”

They added a set of fancy kitchen knives, a blender, and a rug.

“Let’s do the invitations next.”

“Move.” Michael pushed Jeremy out of the chair and took his place. He opened photoshop and scrolled through the pictures of the two of them that he had on his computer.

“Wow.” Jeremy snorted. He pointed to a picture of the two of them posing dramatically next to a mannequin at a clothing store. “None of these look even remotely like wedding announcement pictures.”

“You’re right.” Michael sighed. “We’ll just have to take one.”

“What?” Jeremy’s cheeks turned red.

“Yeah, we’ll just put on nice shirts and take a quick picture and boom. It’s not a big deal.”

Jeremy wasn’t sure about that. Luckily, he was saved by Michael’s mom calling that dinner was ready.

“We can finish tomorrow yeah?” Michael asked as he walked Jeremy to the door. “I’ll come over in the afternoon.”

“Sure.”

“Find something fancy to wear.”

“Like what?” Jeremy wrinkled his nose. His closet didn’t exactly scream “fancy”. Or even “adult” for that matter.

“What about that shirt you wore to prom? You looked really nice in that.” Michael was staring into space with a slight smile on his face.

“Okay.” Jeremy said, drawing Michael’s attention back to the present. “See you tomorrow then fiancé.”

Michael’s cheeks darkened. Or at least, Jeremy thought they did, it was hard to tell since he turned away so quickly. “See ya.”

The next day Jeremy opened the door to find Michael in his nicest outfit, down on one knee, holding a ring. For a brief moment Jeremy thought he was dreaming. Then, Michael opened his mouth.

“Jeremiah Heere. You have made me the happiest man in the world. I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you marry me? You have to say yes or we don’t get cool stuff.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Get up.”

Michael hoped to his feet and tossed the ring to Jeremy who now realized it was, in fact, dollar store plastic.

“You’re not dressed.” Michael went into the kitchen and helped himself to a glass of juice.

“I thought you were coming over later.” Jeremy shrugged. “I’ll go change and then we can do this.”

When Jeremy returned to the kitchen, Michael had to use his superior acting skills to pretend he didn’t choke on his drink at the sight of his best friend in a button up waving a ring on his finger.

“Uuuuh,” Michael coughed. “Let’s go then.”

They set up the camera on Jeremy’s dad’s old tripod and then stared awkwardly at each other.

“What do we… do?” Jeremy asked.

“Well,” Michael fidgeted. “Um. We could do like… one of us behind the other with our arms around each other you know?”

“Yeah.” Jeremy’s face was steadily becoming redder. “Sure.”

They set the timer and Michael stepped behind Jeremy and wrapped his arms around his waist. The camera flashed. They hurriedly let go of each other and went to check it.

“It’s um… okay.” Jeremy tried.

“It’s awful.” Michael said flatly. “It looks like a prom picture. We look so awkward and uncomfortable.”

Jeremy nodded. “Maybe… maybe if you put your chin on my shoulder, it would look more relaxed?”

“Oh. Uh yeah we could try that.”

Six failed attempted later they had their picture. Michael’s arms were around Jeremy’s waist but instead of just resting them there, he had wiggled them against Jeremy’s side. As a result, the picture they ended up with captured Jeremy grinning wildly and grabbing Michael’s arms while Michael smiled affectionately.

Both boys’ faces burned as they looked at the picture.

“I think that’s the one.” Jeremy whispered.

“Yep.” Michael stepped back suddenly. “Okay so I’ll go home and make an invitation and show you Friday?”

“Sounds good.”

“Alright. Bye.” Michael grabbed the camera and walked out.

“Bye!” Jeremy called, both boys avoiding eye contact.

Friday rolled around and Jeremy made his way down to Michael’s basement, fully expecting to see a pacman themed joke of a wedding invite.

“Okay this is what I did. Let me know if you want to change anything or… whatever.”

Jeremy stared. He knew it was a fake invitation but it was pretty damn convincing. The text was neat and the font fit well with the occasion. The background was the posed picture they had taken but Michael had also included a smaller picture in the corner. It was of the two of them in elementary school, arms thrown over each other’s shoulders, wide grins displaying Jeremy’s missing tooth and Michael’s chubby cheeks.

“Well?”

Jeremy started and tore his eyes away from the invitation. Michael was looking up at him, the tips of his ears were red.

“It’s awesome.” Jeremy nodded. “I mean holy shit dude. It looks real.”

“Thanks.” Michael smiled proudly.

Sending out the invitations turned out to be more work than they had anticipated. After a while though, they had a short list of emails of random rich people from various career fields. They sent a total of 17 invitations for a non-existent wedding that would “take place” in two months and then forgot all about it.

Until one evening.

Jeremy was lying on his stomach on his bed. Michael was in a beanbag chair on the floor playing video games.

“Michael.” Jeremy said quietly.

“Huh?”

“Walter Richmond the third just RSVP’d to our wedding.”

“Who?” Michael frowned, not looking up from the screen.

“Oh you know,” Jeremy sat up. “Just one of the billionaires we invited to a fake wedding so we could scam money out of them!”

Michael paused his game. “Oh shit.”

“Can he sue us for this?”

“I don’t know!” Michael cried. “Probably! He’s rich he can do whatever he wants!”

“What do we do!” Jeremy yelled.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Michael grabbed his shoulders. “We’re gonna throw a damn wedding Jeremy!”

“What? We can’t!”

Michael shook him lightly. “We don’t have a choice!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is so short but the next one will be up soon!

In order to pull off a semi realistic fake wedding they enlisted the help of all of their friends. When they first proposed the idea things didn’t go exactly as planned.

“A fake wedding.” Christine laughed. “Because you invited a billionaire and he RSVP’d. That’s funny!”

The others joined in.

“It’s not a joke!” Jeremy insisted.

The laughter died down. Everyone’s expressions made it clear that they didn’t buy that for a second.

“It’s true.” Michael nodded.

Rich looked extremely tired. He heaved a sigh. “Michael, do you remember what we talked about at the end of the year?”

“Rich please!” Michael cut him off, blushing hard. “Not now.”

Jeremy frowned and looked between them but Michael quickly changed the subject.

“Look,” He said. “We just need a little help to make a teeny tiny fake wedding. It’s not a big deal.”

“I’m in.” Brooke smiled. “ _If_ I get to be the decorator.”

“Deal.” Michael said immediately. He was desperate to have someone on his side.

“Ooh!” Christine jumped up. “My grandma owns a flower shop I could get the flowers!”

“I guess I could do the cake.” Everyone turned to Jake with raised eyebrows. “What? I can bake. I have layers.”

“And I,” Rich said drawing the attention to himself. “Can marry you.”

“Um,” Michael glanced at Jeremy. “I don’t know if that’s-“

“Don’t worry. I won’t get ordained so it won’t be an actual marriage.”

As if that was what Michael was worried about.

“Well, then that’s settled. Um, Chloe can you maybe get us suits since you’re the fashion expert.” Michael had to give Jeremy props. They both knew Chloe wouldn’t help out unless she was flattered into it. She shrugged. But for her, that was as good as a solemn oath. “And then Jenna maybe get some random people to play guests?”

Jenna nodded, whipping out her phone and typing away.

“Are you guys actually doing anything then?” Chloe raised an eyebrow.

“Of course they are,” Rich threw an arm around each of them. “They have vows to write and suits to try on, once you acquire them, and lies to make up for their parents.”

“Oh fuck.” Jeremy whispered. Rich was right. They did have vows to write and parents to lie to.

“We’re so screwed.” Michael groaned.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dun dun da-dun dun dun da-dun

The day of the wedding arrived much quicker than either of the boys were prepared for. Luckily, their little team of amateur wedding planners were doing fantastic work.

Michael had somehow convinced his moms to go away for the weekend so they’d have the house to themselves. Christine and Brooke had spent all morning decorating. They were aiming for the “small backyard but very real wedding” vibe.

Jake had made a… decent wedding cake. Well, it was great for cake. The decorating left a little to be desired (“I’m a baker not an artist!” Jake cried.). But they didn’t have time to worry about that so the plunked two plastic grooms on top and called it a day. Chloe found them great suits that they rented because the price of buying them made Michael kinda want to vomit.

Everything seemed to be going well. It was sort of weird. It was almost sort of fun.

Jenna had rounded up thirty strangers of various ages and told them if they showed up and acted like relatives of these two teen boys who were getting married, they could all have cake and dinner. There was no dinner to speak of. When Jeremy brought this up he was shushed.

It was very obvious when Walter Richmond III walked in. He was old, as most rich people are. He had a long, polished cane that he leaned on slightly when he walked. He was wearing a teal suit and a pair of glasses.

He held out a card to Jenna, the official guest greeter, when he arrived.

“For the grooms.”

“I’ll take that.” She placed the card on the gift table which was overflowing with empty cardboard boxes that Michael and Jeremy had spent all morning wrapping. “I can take you into the seating area.” Jenna offered her arm.

“Thank you dear.” Walter Richmond III said as he took it.

Jenna led him outside and to a seat near the back. They figured the first two rows would be reserved for their fake family members.

Jeremy and Michael were yanking their tuxes on in Michael’s bedroom.

“You gotta give it to Chloe.” Jeremy muttered as they looked themselves over in the full-length mirror. “We really do look like grooms.”

“Yeah.” Michael breathed. Looking at them in the mirror, Jeremy was right. It looked… real. It made it difficult for Michael to think. Or breathe.

“Hey who’s gonna stand and who’s gonna walk down the aisle?” Jeremy asked as he shrugged into his jacket.

“Oh uh,” Michael paused. “I mean it doesn’t _really_ matter.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “You want to walk down the aisle don’t you?”

“So bad.” Michael nodded.

“Knock yourself out.” Jeremy straightened his tie (which Chloe had relentlessly tried to teach him how to tie before just giving up and doing it for him). “I’ll see you down there I guess.”

Jeremy disappeared and Michael was left staring at himself in the mirror, wondering what the hell he’d gotten himself into.

Music played off of a speaker in the backyard. Rich stood at the hastily built altar with Jeremy. Michael stood just inside the door, a random man stood beside him. His faux father.

“Good luck kid.” He whispered as they stepped out onto the (hopefully not obviously) cheap white fabric that created a walkway for Michael.

As he walked up the rows of seats, Michael knew Jeremy’s smile was half nerves and half repressed laughter at their situation. But he felt his chest tighten anyway, seeing Jeremy waiting for him at the altar.


	4. Chapter 4

“I believe you’ve prepared your own vows.” Rich said motioning at them to read.

“Okay, um, uh,” Jeremy started. He blushed at his stammering. “Michael, you’ve been my best friend since we were six. I’ve gone through a lot of shit in my life and I don’t know how I would’ve made it without you. You’ve always been there for me. Even through all my bad mistakes, and there’s been a lot.” There was a ripple of quiet laughter from the audience. “I’m glad that I never had to, and now, never will have to, be without you. I, um, I love you?” His voice raised at the end making the I love you sound like a question. Michael’s face was on fire. He didn’t know if he’d even be able to read his own vows. He felt a little like he was having a heart attack.

_It’s not real. It’s not real._ His brain yelled, trying to get him to remember how to read. _Doesn’t matter._ _Jeremy said he loved me._

“Michael?” Rich whispered.

“Right.” Michael shook his head slightly. “Jeremy, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You make me happy to be alive. You um, you give me a reason to wake up every morning.” He glanced at Jeremy and immediately regretted it. Jeremy’s face was bright red, all the way up to the tips of his ears. It was incredibly adorable. Michael dropped his eyes back to the note cards in his hand. “You’re the love of my life and I’m glad I’ll finally get to be, _Heere_ forever.” Laughter this time only from the six people who understood the joke.

Rich suddenly looked very worried.

“Uh, rings?” He whispered, plastering on a smile.

Fuck. They forgot rings. One of the most important wedding pieces. But they had been too worried about if navy blue or turquoise was a better color for the balloons.

“We don’t have rings.” Michael whispered back through his own fake smile. Jeremy made a groaning noise.

“Okay uh.” Rich cleared his throat and raised his voice. “I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the groom.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened at the same time Michael nearly choked on his spit. Yet another essential part they had forgotten. But what had they expected? They’d be able to no homo their way through this wedding and just say some cheesy vows and collect their gifts?

They locked eyes, neither knowing what to do. Finally, Michael dropped his notecards, grabbed Jeremy’s face and kissed him. He felt Jeremy’s hands grab his arms, to steady himself or pull Michael closer he couldn’t tell.

They pulled apart and Jeremy looked like he was about to pass out.

“Smile.” Michael whispered. “It’s the happiest day of your life.”

“Right.” Jeremy tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace.

Luckily, Jenna announced that they would clear the chairs and start dancing so people began to get up and no one looked at them anymore.

They slow danced. Of course they did. What kind of wedding would it be if the grooms didn’t slow dance?

Michael hummed along to the song that was playing. They let Christine pick their first dance song, knowing anyone else would sabotage or embarrass them somehow. Jeremy was staring at him with a kind of soft smile.

“You know,” Michael said suddenly, making Jeremy start and look at his shoes. “Besides all the panicking and stress and awkwardness, this was kinda fun.”

“Yeah.” Jeremy agreed. He laid his head on Michael’s shoulder. “Let’s do it again sometime.”

Michael snorted. “I’m gonna have to pass on that buddy.”

After the dancing the two boys snuck away to get cake.

“Ah there you are.” Walter Richmond III made his way over to them. “I wanted to have a word with you before I headed out.”

Michael looked to Jeremy and took his hand. Not because he wanted to. But because he was terrified of what the man would say next. Well, _mostly_ because he was terrified.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is hella short lmao sorry

“Sure.” Michael did his best to look relaxed. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to thank you for inviting me.” Walter said, bowing his head slightly. “It’s been, fifty-two years since my wedding.” He reached a shaky hand into his pocket and retrieved his wallet. He pulled out a rumpled picture and showed it to them. Two young men in suits grinned widely at the camera. “My husband passed away three years ago.”

“I’m so sorry.” Jeremy said softly. Michael wasn’t crushing his hand anymore but he squeezed it softly as they looked at the photo.

“I miss him dearly.” Walter returned to picture to his wallet. “But seeing you boys up there reminded me of my own wedding. I haven’t seen a love as pure as yours since my own. Just looking at the way you are together, I can see so much love between you.”

Michael’s face burned. “Wow. Thank you.” He smiled and ignored the persistent screaming that was going on in his head.

“Yeah, that’s really kind of you to say.” Jeremy nodded. Michael could only see him out of the corner of his eye but he could tell Jeremy was blushing up to his ears again.

Walter nodded. “I can tell you two will have a long and happy marriage. Enjoy it. Relationships like yours don’t come around every day.” He smiled. “Anyway, I think I’ll take some cake and head out if you don’t mind.”

“Of course.” Michael stepped back from the cake and pulled Jeremy with him.

They wandered around talking to other strangers, keeping a close eye on Walter as he ate his cake.

“So this was… not real?” A woman asked as they pretended to thank her for coming.

“No.” Michael said, not taking his eyes off the cake table.

“You’re sure?”

Michael’s head snapped back to her. “What? Of course we are.”

“Okay.” She shrugged.


	6. Chapter 6

Finally Walter shook both of their hands and left. They waited until his car disappeared around the corner before letting out a joint sigh of relief.

“We did it.” Jeremy shook his head and then turned to Michael, grinning. “We actually did it!” He punched his arm.

“We did it.” Michael laughed.

The strangers were sent home with as much cake as they wanted. The squip squad helped clean up a little and then Michael waved their efforts off and told them they could go. He walked them to the door while Jeremy stacked chairs.

“See ya Michael!” Christine waved.

“Michael.” Rich clapped him on the back. “This is the gayest thing you’ve ever done. If you don’t ask him out soon, I’ll do it for you.” He threatened and then left without waiting for a reply.

Once everyone was gone Michael dragged Jeremy inside, ignoring his protests about how there was still a huge mess outside.

“We can clean later. Now let’s just sit.” He collapsed onto the couch.

Jeremy walked around the room and returned, holding something out to Michael.

“What is this?”

“It’s from Walter.” Jeremy sat beside him. “Open it.”

Michael tore open the envelope. It was certainly the fanciest card he’d ever received. Inside, in a messy scrawl he’d written:

**Thank you boys for sharing the celebration of your love with me. I wish you many years of happiness and good fortune.**

“Wow. That’s really nice.” Michael closed the card and passed it to Jeremy. “I kinda feel bad for scamming him.”

“I know. I feel awful.” Jeremy agreed.

“Hey.” Michael frowned. “Did you wrap that one?” He pointed to a large box that he didn’t remember seeing when they were setting up. He was sure he hadn’t wrapped it.

“No?” He stood up to retrieve the box. “Whoa it’s heavy.” He inspected the sides. “No tag.”

“Open it!”

Jeremy sat down and tore the paper off of the box. They stared at it in silence for a few seconds before Jeremy doubled over in laughter.

“This whole thing,” He dropped the box off of his lap. “All this work we did. Was for a….” He wheezed. “A blender!”

Michael couldn’t help joining in.

“It was so much work. For nothing.” Jeremy sighed as he collected himself.

“It wasn’t for nothing.” Michael said without thinking.

“No?” Jeremy turned to face him.

“I mean,” Michael tried very hard to keep his eyes on Jeremy’s. “It was fun. I had fun.”

“Me too.” Jeremy blushed slightly. “Is it weird that we had so much fun pretending to get married?”

Michael shook his head rapidly. “No. It’s not weird.”

“It’s not weird.” Jeremy repeated. And then he leaned over and pressed his lips to Michael’s. Michael wasn’t entirely convinced that he wasn’t dreaming this whole thing, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. He grabbed Jeremy’s hips and pulled him closer.

Jeremy smiled when he pulled away but his face was still red.

“I don’t really want a husband right now.” He said, smirking slightly. “But I wouldn’t be opposed to a boyfriend.”

“Well lucky you.” Michael smiled. “My tux just so happens to be made of boyfriend material.”

“Alright never mi-” Michael cut him off with another kiss and Jeremy gave up his pretend annoyance easily as he sank into the kiss and ran his hands through Michael’s hair.

“Boyfriend material.” He snorted, rolling his eyes. “You’re a loser.”

“But I’m your loser now.” Michael grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought Michael WOULDN'T make a boyfriend material joke you're wrong  
> Anyway there it is folks the epic conclusion

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Follow/talk to me on tumblr @ michaelmellonn


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